Mothra Stewart

This clip is from a great comic, it's one of my favorite characters of all time . I'd like to share with you, it's Flip Wilson, doing his beloved "Geraldine", and his "The Debbil made me do it" is my motto. [ doesn't that sound piraty ?] Here's Flip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qAkEA-H_zE

I LOVE LOVE the Sunday paper. I take it,and a huge mug of coffee, straight to bed, and read everything at my leisure. I haven't felt very leisurely lately, there is a LOT of prep to do for the holidays, plus some lucky couple was preapproved for their mortgage, and they need to start packing. Oy. So I opened the paper this morning, and read an article titled "Countdown to Calm", a schedule of what you should do, in what order, to have a prepared, happy Tday. "With this timetable,you can be a happy host on Thanksgiving" O-M-G, I damn near bust a gut laughing at that. The author obviously has never been to my house. There is ALWAYS something undone, something forgotten, but that is what makes Tday, Tday. I read all about how to cook ahead, [Almost done,this is my 22nd year of hosting the festivities, I know EXACTLY what to screw up in advance by now] and the article shows a lovely table, candle-lit, place settings extraordinaire, a Martha Stewart type of shindig. Well,I am Mothra Stewart...the antithesis of the formal dinner host. And my schedule, while it does include cooking type activities, also includes things like :
-Making sure the water will be on [thanks to that landlord who decided to put off repairs, necessary for my whole street, until tomorrow, this is now an iffy proposition]
-make an emergency run to the A&P because you forgot the italian roast coffee beans to mix with the columbian [you dumbass, you JUST blogged about that, CRS rears it's ugly head]
[HAHA, just taught the spell checker "dumbass"]
[But it was a lovely morning and we had a great ride, so maybe that's a plus, I'm confused]
-WHERE THE HELL did the nutcracker set go? EVERY year I can't find the damn thing, and what's worse, is that I just remembered I forgot the nuts. Shit.
-I WILL have you know I remembered the most important things,...the Cassie fudge,and the cranberry sauce [which no one eats, but everyone will comment if I forget, a family joke]

[An aside....Dear Boo and Tina................I just made the carmelized onions. 3 lbs of extremely thinly sliced onions, cooked down the way God intended. I did this for the 2 of you. Please remember this, and that they are in the fridge,....so that they get reheated and actually served on Tday. Dad and Tony won't even come into the kitchen, it "bothers their eyes" , so I went right ahead and got myself into the merlot. Cryin' my eyes out, and it ain't purdy. Feel the guilt yet? No? Hell, I'm no good at long distance guilt, just WAIT til you get here! A few hosannas would also be in order. Now remember, HOSANNAS !!!!]

Then the article actually has an hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute list of what to do leading right up to serving the meal. At this point I'm hysterically laughing, if the author ever showed up in my kitchen on T-day, she'd get a real eyeful:
-The author doesn't mention brining the bird[s] at all. This is a favorite family activity,done Tday eve, with all of us in the kitchen L our A's off, cause Steve decided to make the bird he is cleaning dance, or sing, or tell dirty jokes. He is seriously very funny, and the kids look forward to it as much as I do.
-people trying to pick the skin off of the birds while they rest [I always cook 2 birds, but I'm crazy like a fox...not only are there more drumsticks and wings for those that gotta have 'em...you get to sleep later than if you were cooking a huge bird. 2/ 13-15 lb birds take less time than one big'un, and are fine no matter how many people we've crammed into this place]
-Me sacrificing one bird to the skin pickers, by leaving the tenting askew,and pushing the other bird as far back as it will go on the counter. Stevie does NOT help,-at this point he informs his aunts that his "Favorite Aunt" would be the one who got him the most skin off the birds. I'm sunk.
-Now,you have 2 camps of relatives on holidays......the ones in the kitchen,and the ones elsewhere. I can't say which I prefer,they both have their plusses and minuses. At least the ones in the kitchen do know their way around, they know where things are [ain't too many places to look ] but the ones in the kitchen are the main skin offenders :o) I'll put Steve in charge of getting pic of the bird I sacrificed to the skin crowd, you have gotta see that poor thing.

I noticed that the article didn't have any suggestions about plying the cook with drinks, bribes, or any of the chocolate truffles one niece always brings, oh, that's a serious, major omission. That author doesn't know much about entertaining a lot of people in a tiny house on a shoestring budget, but if I wrote a blog about it,it would read like a comedy article....wait a sec, didn't I just......